{ 0 comments }
If you’re anything like me, you’re wondering “Wow how did the seasons change so fast?” and “Where does the time go anyway?” and “What are the manifold names of the one true Assyrian god?”
With each passing day the summer heat wanes and that of course means Indoor Senior Miss Water Aerobics season is right around the corner. Luckily that also means it’s time to grab some great deals on swimwear down at the local gym gift shop. Here are some hot ass swimsuit styles for this year’s 70-and-over aquatic strutting season:
Two Scoops and a Jupe
Ol’ Blue Betty
Big Blue Betty
Big Ol’ Blue Betty
Nana’s No-nos
Yes and Please Artificial Knees
I Put My Brothers Gibb in a Floral Gathered Bibb
Dunking the Belgian
Stay sleek, swim strong. Cool down often and with great passion.
{ 0 comments }
Fame’s a big burden and now that I’m famous, I strongly feel the need to un-burden. I need to subtly but firmly WEIGH IN so as to better shape people in my image and let them know how much I care. Check this out: it’s time I tell you about DRUGS.
DRUGS are bad and only people who are bad do the DRUGS. DRUGS are so bad they make people who do the drugs do them badly. That’s un-seemly and un-thrifty. No one wants to be called a DRUGGIE. It’s an ugly word for an ugly habit. A BAD habit.
Now, I have not been spying on you or rooting around in your closet or even inside of that hollowed-out ceramic Buddha you keep by the television (JAY), so don’t take that accusatory tone with me. Your mother and I only want what’s best for you, never what’s worst. I was having lunch with your mother just the other day and she was saying what a mess you’ve made of your life and how she’s just “shuttered with shame inside” (INSIDE, JAY) (JAY).
Is that what you want? IS IT? To have your mother feeling all boarded up inside and empty and sad so it’s no wonder she goes through a box and half of wine a week? HMM?
Well. I’m glad we had this little talk. I feel better, free-er. Gauzy. Like something not chafing at all, maybe in a petite size 6. I only hope that the next time I un-burden you could hum a little and set the mood. A throw cushion here or there wouldn’t go amiss.
{ 0 comments }
Ate a lot of fried food today.
{ 0 comments }
Stop online piracy. Stop the madness. Stop a sign. Stop making sense and definitely stop making incense. Stop what you’re doing, cuz I’m about to ruin yet another dress shirt with spaghetti sauce.
Hey. Hey what?
You’ve got to know your limits, that’s what. And here are the top five limits to know:
1. Limit your breathing. It’s too loud and frankly, we’ve all been a little upset with you for it. Bring donuts tomorrow.
2. Limit your intelligence. No one likes a Smarty Mcsmart person except when their computer breaks and then it’s “oh hey, smart friend, how’s it going, look, my computer’s broken, frownies :((“. Anyway, can it Dukes of Whizzard.
3. Limit your walking the walk (but thumbs up for talking the talk). I don’t even know where to begin, so just stop it.
4. Limit your intake of cat food. Really, come on. We shouldn’t have to talk about this. That’s for kitty.
5. Limit your intake of cat photos. Seems obvious once you think about it. Oh sure they’re cute and furry and seem harmless, and oh sure I’ll just put about a thousand million of these photos in my head forever. Don’t do it, that’s a slippery, furry slope straight to Hell town, population you and the other lonelies.
Okay, phew. That’s it. I’m limiting myself right now. Stay STRONG, stay FERTILE and nap often.
HH
{ 0 comments }
You go to your regular place. You think you’re going to be able to RELAX. But can you? NO. Why? Because some hush puppy of a half-stepper has absconded with your FAVORITE BOOTH.
Damn. Forget it. Evening ruined, Arbor Day cancelled, the library’s only copy of “Tom in Finland” placed on indefinite hold (ping me, I’ve got it in soft cover).
Well, that won’t do. What you need is a special place within your regular place. A sanctum of sanctums, a holy of holies, a wholly owned subsidiary of your usual watering hole–a VIP LOUNGE.
Guess what? As luck would have it, I have the thing you need. PROBLEM SOLVED. A very exclusive, very plush, very STRONG lounge for those of a more refined and cultured sensibility (you). I’ve even pre-stocked it with people–some you know, some you’d like to know, some you’d like others to know you might know, some you may just want to ask for THEIR HAND.
How to get on the list? Here’s the meat: Comb your hair backwards, lock your keys inside a running car and board a midnight train going anywhere. After that it’s all up to you, work it like a seventeenth-century indentured servant or cruise along with Teddy Pendergrass blasting from the Chevrolet Citation II. IT’S YOUR JOYRIDE.
UPDATED for the sensitive, serious, serious people.
{ 0 comments }
Dear Ms. Blackstone,
I am excited to be considered for the position of Atmospheric Engineer III at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. I hope my enclosed resume demonstrates that my analytical and technical skills and diverse atmospheric experience place me as a strong candidate for the job. I am also an avid fan of clouds. Thank you for considering my application.
Few days go by that I don’t contemplate the wonder and majesty of a cirrus or a cumulonimbus cloud. But aside from that I am not at all dreamy or considered a “head in the clouds” type . I am also extremely practical and well-suited to an engineer job such as this one. My father once read a biography on the founder of Radio Shack and would constantly tell us about his non-nonsense qualities. That had a big impact on me. Additionally I have a keen awareness as to the budget constraints currently facing a government organization. I have a long standing relationship with money. I have had a coin collection from the age of six and I still look at it now and again.
Given that I have no direct experience as an engineer, I would like to take this opportunity to display some of my more technical thinking:
LOGIC: Not all people can be dentists, in fact they aren’t.
DEDUCTION: Instructions say to use two scoops of coffee to make a pot of coffee. Pots of coffee are different sizes. Making coffee is hard.
INDUCTION: Sometimes there are blank pages at the end of a book. No one really knows why. Q.E.D.
In closing, I feel that my ample experience being employed and my firm grasp of scientific principles make me the perfect candidate for the job. Please feel free to contact me at your leisure.
Yours Truly,
M. Hosey
{ 0 comments }
Let’s face it, cooking is hard. Eating can be hard too. Luckily, I’m here to help. In this new feature I call “Kulinary Korner”, I will share my years of experience being repelled by the making and eating of food–and overcoming it!
Here are some simple rules to have you making and eating better meals in 10 minutes:
1. Cheese sauce can HELP.
2. Cheese sauce can NOT help beverages.
3. Whiskey before beer, in the clear. Whiskey before breakfasts, you might have a problem.
4. Jerk chicken has some explaining to do. Actually, a lot. AVOID
5. Left overs built this country, at least the poor part.
6. The baking aisle of the grocery store is inhabited by wyverns. AVOID
7. Fire cooks food, and cleans too, if you use the right dinnerware.
Go now with these simple rules and eat well!
{ 0 comments }
I know a lot of you use Macs and I respect that. I know you’re not only into making pretty pictures and pretty songs and videos–NO. You work hard and play hard too. Like Windows users, but with more money. YES, I’ll be adding more graphics and multimedia. All this text hurts your eyes and I’m sorry.
Linux users, “wassup”! Are you “feeling” me? Just kidding around guys. Seriously, I know you can’t read this because it’s not on a command line and you’re probably still editing the config file for your Icefox browser. Maybe you’re “rolling” your own “kernel”? That’s so 733t.
Windows users–stop goofing around and get back to work or Facebook or whatever.
{ 0 comments }